


To be Human

by remanth



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Human!Castiel - Freeform, Pain, To Be Human
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-12
Updated: 2015-06-12
Packaged: 2018-04-04 03:15:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4123684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/remanth/pseuds/remanth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel thinks about his existence as a human and what it means to be human.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To be Human

Castiel has wondered several times since his grace was taken just what it means to be human. There is pain, yes, so many different types of pain. The ache in his belly when he’s hungry, the dry scratching of his throat when he’s thirsty, the shooting pains when he cut his hand on a knife. There is always pain of one type or another. Even mental and emotional pain and those come with feelings he can’t even begin to describe. Just that it _hurts_. The thought of who he was taken away, the thought of his siblings fallen from Heaven, the thought that he’d failed everyone who’d been counting on him. Loss, sorrow, guilt, loneliness. They all hurt and they never quite went away. Was pain what it meant to be human? He’d only ever felt pain a couple times before as an angel. And those times had usually presaged death.

Other humans (and did it ever feel weird to include himself in the count of humanity) always seemed to be in pain too. The same feelings he felt bowed down beneath they suffered from too. The pain led to risky behaviors in some humans and led others to just isolate themselves away. Others lashed out, caused pain in order to ease their own. And they continued until they were stopped by others. Maybe it didn’t work. Maybe it did. Castiel didn’t know and that wasn’t a path he was going to take. He’s spent so long trying to protect humanity that causing pain to them wasn’t something he could do.

It made him wonder just why his father had created humanity. Had made them to suffer. It seemed so... cruel and _senseless_. That was something Castiel had never really thought his father would have been capable of. Punishing those who did wrong, yes. But senseless pain just because? Why be human then, why live through this life if all it was was suffering? There were nights when he couldn’t sleep that he considered ending it all. There were ways and ways, some easier than others. Some were even painless, in their way. Why suffer if there was no point to it?

Then there were the days when Castiel could witness such beauty and kindness. A young woman walking down the street, her eyes red with unshed tears, dropping one of her last five dollar bills into a cup held by a homeless teenager. A man helping an old woman cross the street. Humanity helping and caring and loving. That, and the thoughts of everything he’d left unfinished, reminded him of why he had to keep fighting. That while there was pain, there was beauty and love in being human. So he did what he could to be kind, to ease others’ pain. A few minutes listening to a story here, a pat on the back there, words of kindness and a smile to a stranger. It all added up and helped ease the pain like nothing else could.

And he found that to be human was to be complicated. It was pain and loneliness and compassion and joy. It was the happiness at a favorite song to balance the grief at losing a family member. To be human was to change and shift and adapt. To be human was full of choices and consequences. Castiel chose to be good and kind and helpful. There was enough pain in the world and he would do whatever he could to ease it. And if he had the chance to help the Winchesters along the way, help in the battle that still raged even though he could no longer sense it, then he would. He could do nothing less. He’d also learned that to be human sometimes meant stubbornness and determination. Sometimes it meant screaming back in defiance in the face of whatever wanted to tear you down. And that was all right. He’d scream until he lost his voice and fight on anyways.


End file.
